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You are my nightmare
Author: Anonymous
Date: 2012-06-29 17:00:20
Category: all categories
Metatags: Women, Youth,


 

Nothingness. surrounded by darkness.

I lie on my bed naked. I see nothing.

I hear a whisper against my ears, “I love you. Don’t I have the right to hug you?”

My body freezes at the cold chilling voice. I cannot move.

I want to open my mouth to scream, “Appa! Appa!” but there is no voice.

I feel a pair of hands violating my body. Touching me.  Hurting me.

I am in pain. My ice cold tears rolls down my cheeks dripping on my pillow.

My pillow wet. My body cold.

My body does not belong to me. I want to leave it behind. I want to fly away.

My body is disgusting, tainted.

My body continues to be violated. I am in pain. I am helpless.

I wake up shivering from the nightmare. My body still cold. I fall off my bed and land on the carpet. I cover my mouth with my hands and let out a silent scream, ensuring that no one can hear me. A voice inside me says, “He is your uncle! He is your uncle! How could you? He will never hurt you. How could you think such dirty thoughts about your uncle? He will never hurt you. He loves you like a daughter.”

“No, he is evil. He is disgusting. He does not think of me as his daughter. He is not safe. Listen to me Anjali!” screams Priyan

“No! He is my uncle. He loves me.”
You are my nightmare

I can feel the cold chill of your breathe making its way slowly from the side of my neck, down towards my chest. “Ahhh,” my heart leaps as I catch my breath. I open my mouth to scream “Appa, Appa,” but the words do not come out. It is pointless to yell as he is completely intoxicated. He cannot hear my cries of desperation. You pull me closer gripping my hips making an unusual noise glaring at my chest.  I feel as if I stand before you with no strand of clothes covering my body. I move my arms in between us in an attempt to cover my naked chest. I stand humiliated and small before you stripped naked of my pride. I feel your cold hands moving up against the side of my body, moving slowing from my hips towards my chest. I gasp unable to hold my breath any longer.  I slowly move away from you as you grab my hips once again. You say,

“I love you. I missed you. Give me a hug. Don’t I have a right to hug you?” 

Guilt takes over me as I force myself to move closer towards you. I repeat to myself, “You love me. You will never hurt me. You love me. You will never hurt me.” Your hands rub the side of my breast working your way down back towards my hips. You slide your hands below my hips rubbing your hands against my buttocks. I can feel your breath becoming heavier each second as you desperately and aggressively pull me closer and closer towards you. You continue to make an unusual noise as you rub your chest against mine. Your love feels cold. It renders me an object, an object without feelings, existing only for your mere deviant desires.

Haunted by tainted love

I roll restless on my bed

Wishing Saturday morning never comes.

 

I can smell your scent as you are near me

Your scent smells horrible

It reeks of tainted love

 

I can feel your touch as you are holding me

Your touch degrades my soul

It feels like tainted love

No! You couldn’t possibly hurt me

You love me, but your presence weakens my soul.

 

I awaken to the sunlight of Saturday morning

As Darkness fills my soul tainted by your love

I am haunted by tainted love........

 

***************

            I reek of your scent as if you were still standing close to me. It makes me nauseous. I lie beneath my blanket yet I still feel naked. I curl up on my bed bring my knee closer towards my chest. I slide my hands in between my thighs as quick visions of your body rubbing against my buttocks flashes before me. I quickly remove my hands in disgust. I reach over and grab the compass and slide my hand back into the blanket. I tightly grip the compass closing my eyes and positioning the sharp edge of the compass on the side of my thighs. I let out a huge sigh of relief as I feel the sharp edge of the compass scratching against my thighs.

I rush to the washroom and close the door behind me. I sit near the toilet bowl and start to throw up. I hear my Amma’s footsteps coming up the stairs. I panic and lock the door not wanting to face Amma. I hear Amma call out to me, “Anjali, are you okay?”

“Yea, I am fine.” 

“Open the door? Should I make some you some ginger tea?”

“No, I am going to take a bath. Leave me alone,” I said annoyed. I hear Amma go back down the stairs.

            I clean my mouth and wash my face. I stop as I get distracted by the reflection of a pair of puffy red eyes in the mirror. They look ashamed but I could not say why. I step back from the mirror and hit the wall. I crash to the floor bursting out in tears. I bring my arms and legs closer to my chest in an attempt to stop myself from shaking from this odd chill I feel. I frantically remove my clothes and get into the bathtub. I turn on the tap and grab the soap. I continue to cry as I rub soap on my breast, between my legs, my hips and my arms anxiously trying to remove your scent from my body. The soap does nothing. I still feel and smell disgusting.  The soap and water sinks into my wound and creates a sharp painful burning sensation. I close my eyes as my anger slowly dissolves into the water and sets me free from this pain.

*******************

            I stand in front of the mirror staring at my naked body. The image infront of me is so gruesome, too ugly to be seen. It is a horrible image of an ugly naked child drowning in solitude. Her body scarred and covered with imprints of hands all over her. Her eyes look so pathetic so big and red. I turn away from this image unable to view this grotesque child.

I find myself barricaded within the four walls of my room, a place of solitude. The pale white colours on the wall, looks like dull grey in the darkness surrounding my room. The colours are so sad and lifeless like the image of this child.  It is a place where my cries remain inside from others to hear, a place of utter solitude.

*******************

            I walk into my akka’s room. She is watching a Tamil movie online. “Hey.” Her eyes dart to me quickly and back to the movie.

            “I am watching a movie.” Maybe this isn’t a good time to talk to her. She looks distracted.

            “I just wanted to talk to you about Ramesh mama.”

            “What about him. Hurry up I am watching a movie. He is just a weirdo” She pauses the movie. She continues on about Ramesh mama repeating everything our aunt complaint to us about. Our aunt often tells us how selfish he is and that he only cares about his wife and kids and not about his siblings. I look at my akka with irritation trying not to burst into tears.

            “He behaves inappropriately with me. He is my uncle.”I burst into tears.

            “You are just too easy.” She plays the movie.

            My heart drops as my fear became a reality. I am drowning further into the darkness surrounding me. She treated it like I just told her a stranger stolen my candy. My voice stuck in my throat I walk out of her room and into mine. I burst into tears once again. I cry and cry. I feel lonely and helpless stuck in this room of solitude. 

I cry,

My tears hold no meaning to you

They are just water drops

Falling one by one

Hitting the carpet below

Staining it black with eyeliner

 

A stain that you must cover

From the eyes of others

It is our little secret

No one will ever know

 

I speak,

My words hold no meaning to you

They are just sounds

Vibrations that hit the four corners of the wall

Fading away with time

 

Vibrations that you must stop

From reaching the ears of others

It is our little secret

No one will ever know

 

I scream,

My pain holds no meaning to you

They are just needless reactions

To situations exaggerated by my hallucinating mind

 

Situations that you must hide from others

Has if it has never occurred

It is our little secret

No one will ever know

 

But I tell you,

My tears have meaning

My words have meaning

My pains have meaning

 

So I refuse,

I refuse to hold our little secret any longer

For I am a proud woman

A woman with self love and dignity

So I forever break the silence...

 

 

****

            “Thiyani aunty wants to talk to you,” Said akka as she gave me the phone.

            “Hello?”

            “Hello, what are you doing?”said Thiyani aunty.

            “I am playing games on the computer. I am so bored.”

            “How is tutoring Rameya going? Is Ramesh mama nice to you.?”

            “Yea...He is fine.” I say nervously.

            “Suresh mama called me and asked me to talk to you.”

            “Oh, about what?”

            “At the last birthday party Ramesh mama was sitting very close to you and holding your hand in a way that didn’t look appropriate.” My heart sank. “Other people at the party might think something. Is everything okay?”

            “Yea, he is my uncle. What are you saying?” I say these words more so to convince myself.

            “Just be careful, men are men even if they are your uncle. Don’t tell this to anyone. Promise me.”

            “Okay I won’t”

            “When we were younger in our preteens Ramesh mama touched me inappropriately.”

            “He is your brother.”

            “I know. Just becareful. You can tell me anything. Is he okay with you?”

            “Yea he is fine.” I lie. Once she hands up I call Suresh mama. My hands shake with anger?

            “Hello,” said my cousin sister.

            “Hey, how are you?”

            “Heyy, I am fine. How are you?

            “I am fine. Is your dad home?”

            “Yes, hold on.”

            “Hello?” said Suresh mama.

            “I need to talk to you. Is there anyone beside you?”

            “No, what is it?”

            “Thiyani aunty just called me. She asked me about Ramesh mama and said that you asked her to call me. Why couldn’t you have just called me instead? That was so awkward. You know she has a big mouth. I am not comfortable talking to her.”

            “I am your uncle I can’t ask you these questions. I thought you will feel werid.”

            “No, I felt weird when she called.” I burst into tears. “I lied to thiyani aunty. Ramesh mama is so inappropriate. He would talk to me about his affairs with his cousin sister and ask me if that was right or wrong.”

            “Yes, I know about that affair.”

            “He would hug me inappropriately. He would find any excuses to talk to me about sex. He is my uncle. I feel uncomfortable.” I dare not say the whole thing. This should be enough.

            “Stop tutoring his daughter then. Call and cancel”

            “What if she needs someone to talk to? I wanted to quit but I was worried about her. She is the only child and she is very quite. She is not even close to any of the other cousins. So it though that I can keep tutoring her just to see if she was okay.”

            “That is not your responsibility. Just call and cancel.”

            “What do I say if he asks me why?”

            “You got that job at the factory right? Just say you can’t tutor because of that.”

            “Okay.”

            “Don’t think about anything. Okay?”

 



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